How to Best Ruin Your Family’s Fourth of July

Why am I providing advice as to how to best ruin your family’s Fourth of July? Well — because I’m a master!

If you’re on your way somewhere, be sure to wear sandals. Then, make sure to stub three of the toes on your left foot REALLY, REALLY HARD. I’m talking hard enough to break your toes. After that, yell a lot. Then, finish getting into the car, but remain unable to exit the vehicle after you get where you’re going.

Continue being unable to walk so that you can’t go to the fireworks in Colonial Williamsburg. Finish the evening by drinking wine.

There you have it: How to Ruin Your Family’s Fourth of July. You’re welcome. Thanks for tuning in.

When you get back home after stubbing the toes on your left foot, don’t forget to stub the toes on your right foot, too.

Also also be sure, toward the end of your magically ruined evening to stub your right thumb for good measure.

Yes, that means stubbing basically all of your moving digits.


8 thoughts on “How to Best Ruin Your Family’s Fourth of July

      1. Well, that is peculiar, because I remember breaking my toe and I don’t recall even thinking about wanting to laugh.

        I hope you didn’t actually break your toes. If you did, I hope you have a speedy recovery. I hear comfrey leaf is good for that.


      2. I don’t know if I really broke my toes, or just came close — I do know it hurts like heck and that they’re swelling enormously, so either way it’s not the best thing ever. !


      3. Oh no!

        I can’t find it now, of course, but last year I read a blog where some woman’s husband fell out of a tree while he was cutting off branches, and he broke his ankle. She had some ointment she put on it right before she took him to the hospital and she said the stuff really took the swelling down fast. Don’t know that it did anything for the pain.


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