Dear Sargento Cheese People,
Whilst doing my usual grocery shopping recently, I purchased a package of cheddar-jack slices.
Upon returning home, I realized I had made a terrible mistake: I accidentally purchased “ultra thin” slices.
Now, surely (being people who make cheese) you understand that this world holds no purpose whatsoever for cheese which is ultra-thinly sliced. Not. EVER.
Ladies and gentlemen, frankly, I am alarmed by the fact that your company has even come up with such a ridiculous notion as ultra-thinly sliced cheese. It is an abomination.
Purposely slicing cheese in an ultra-thin manner is simply appalling.
For the sake of cheese lovers everywhere, I implore you: stop this madness. Just walk away from it. People who want cheese do not want it in supermodel form.