As An Adult I am No More Enlightened Than I Was As A Child

When we are children, we expect that there will come a day when we are hit by an “adult epiphany”, where we suddenly understand all the mysteries of the world.

Today I am here to prove to you that the “adult epiphany” never actually happens.

Exhibit A: My grandmother is from El Paso, Texas. Her accent is very strong. So, when I was little and she would say “El Paso”, she pronounced it “Ale Paso”. Being a kid from Arizona, I knew the word “paso” meant pass… but I never knew my grandmother was saying “el”, so I wondered for a long time why they called that town Ale Pass. I finally got it when I could read.

Exhibit B: My dad is a funny guy. One time when I was really little he told me that the little white specks in Bologna will cause a tree to grow in your stomach. I believed him.

Exhibit C: The first time I ever heard the term “speed limit”, I thought my mom had said “speed lemon”. I distinctly remember asking for clarification several times — Me: “Speed LEMON?!” My mom: “Yes, honey.” Me: “SPEED LEMON?!?” My mom: Yes, honey. Me: “But why do they call it that?” My mom: “Because it’s as fast as you’re allowed to go.” (Clearly my pronunciation of the word “lemon” was not great!) Anyway, this speed lemon thing really stuck in my head and I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how they decided a speed lemon. The best I could figure was that someone rolled a lemon down a hill, and if you went faster than that, you were breaking the speed lemon and you’d get a speeding ticket. I didn’t understand until I could read that it was not “lemon”.

Exhibit D: One time my parents and I were going on a road trip somewhere. As usual, we were listening to bluegrass. A song came on where they were singing “this is love, this is love, this is loooooove”. But I thought they were saying “it’s a slug, it’s a slug, it’s a sluuuuuuuug!”. I’m not sure, but I think I even asked my mom why anyone would sing about a slug. She still teases me about that to this day.

Exhibit E: This is the worst one of all, because my understanding of this issue did not happen until very recently. Surely you’ve heard of the Ford Pinto.

Ford Pinto.
Well, here we go again… I’m from Arizona. Yes, I know that a pinto is a type of horse. But I also associate the word pinto with beans. We
ate a lot of beans growing up. Heck, I cook a lot of beans now. So, yeah, beans are more in the forefront of my mind than horses. You see what I’m getting at here, right? I always thought the Ford Pinto was named after a bean. And I truly never knew otherwise until very recently when The Hubbster explained that Ford had made a series of “pony” cars all named after horses which included the Pinto, and the Mustang. I didn’t say it out loud, but in my head I was thinking, “Whaaaa? That’s a bean.” And then it hit me like a bolt: that car really isn’t called a pinto bean. ALL THESE YEARS I THOUGHT IT WAS NAMED AFTER A BEAN.

So if you’re expecting some epiphany of understanding to hit you as an adult, I’m here to tell you, it’s not gonna happen. Not if I’ve spent my whole life thinking Ford named a car after a bean.


28 thoughts on “As An Adult I am No More Enlightened Than I Was As A Child

  1. Neil Richardson

    I had the dong “Secret Agent Man” in my head as “Secret Asian Man” and jimmy Hendrix was gay because he said excuse me while I kiss this guy I couldn’t tell he said sky. Your misunderstandings of things was far more cool than mine. By the way what is the age lemon for trick or treating?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Bill Breen

    Hmmm. A bean-car? :^D Okay, when I was little in New Mexico, some folks invited us to their home to listen to folks playing music (mostly guitars). The guy inviting us kept telling me how exciting it was going to be because they were going to have an “apple fire!” “An apple fire?! Wow! This is going to be something!,” I thought. I couldn’t wait for the evening to arrive so I could see this mysterious, exciting “apple fire!” Finally the time arrived and I went into their home with wide eyed anticipation. I walked into a room and here were two old guys playing electric guitars. “Okay, that’s kind of neat, but where’s this apple fire?” So I asked the host, “So, where’s the apple fire?” He smiled and said, “Why, right there!,” as he pointed to the amplifier. (Sigh.) I later realized “apple fires” were not a common thing in rural New Mexico on Mexican border during that time. Almost all music there was acoustic because not that many places had electricity! (Am I showing my age?)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh my goodness! You made me laugh until tears came to my eyes! I wish that I would have known you when you are a child … between us, we could have conquered the world … going below the speed lemon in a bean car, of course …

    Liked by 2 people

  4. You mean wisdom and age are not related? I’m doomed!!!

    I thought the Ford Mustang was named after a type of plane. I don’t know if that’s true (probably not). Oh — and I never heard of a pinto bean. Sounds mysterious.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Bill Breen

        Being from the Southwest, pinto beans are THE bean out here. Used in refried beans, etc. so popular in Mexican food. Pinto beans, jalapeno peppers
        and corn tortillas: the staff of life here in the West. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ve just accepted the fact that I’ll probably feel like a kid and consider people ten years older than me ‘adults.’ Then one day I’ll wake up and be like 46 and just go ‘fuck…I’m old now.’ No wisdom…just old.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Ever since I read this post I’ve been reminded of a story that I heard, which was supposed to be true. Song lyrics were something like “Don’t you knock on my door, I won’t be home anymore.” The fellow insisted, however, that it went “Don’t you gnaw on my drawers, I won’t be home anymore.”

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Julie O.

    I didn’t even know a Pinto was a horse. And I’ve only known about pinto beans for a couple of years, when someone on Multiply mentioned that it’s the only bean allowed in chili. They’re harder to find around here, I guess (Pinto beans AND horses).

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve never tried green beans, but I did once make chili with a combo of pintos, kidney, butter and some other bean that I can’t remember. It was awesome.


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